McCain, Fey as Palin hilarious on SNL (video / transcript)

Just when I thought everybody has forgotten John McCain, the other presidential candidate in this year's election, the Republican hopeful zoomed into TV screens and the internet via 'Saturday Night Live' last night (video and transcript below). Sen. John McCain poked fun at himself at the start of "Saturday Night Live," pretending to offer an address to the nation on QVC, the home shopping channel. Later in the show, he discussed his strategy options on SNL's Weekend Update.

He appeared in the opening with Sarah Palin. Not the real Sarah Palin, of course, but SNL's Sarah Palin, Tina Fey. Acting as presenters of QVC television shopping channel, McCain said it was the only station he could afford airtime, in contrast to rival Barack Obama's million dollar infomercial which aired on almost all television networks last week. "The final days are the
most essential," McCain said. "This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC," he said. "Tonight we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

He first offered a set of 10 commemorative blank plates for the 10 town hall debates he sought to hold with Barack Obama. "They're blank," McCain said. "He wouldn't agree to those debates. They're still nice plates." He he.

McCain's skit also featured a cameo from wife Cindy, gesturing like presenter Vanna White, for a line of "McCain Fine Gold", a reference to the Arizona senator's 2002 campaign reform legislation passed with Russell Feingold. "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act and also looks great with evening wear," McCain said. "Thank you Cindy." He also offered his John McCain collection of pork knives (good for cutting earmarks). Tina Fey then turned to another camera and whispered: "I'm going rogue now, so keep your voices down" and showed a "Palin in 2012" T-shirt already available but "don't wear it until after Tuesday," to the roar of the studio audience. "I'm not going anywhere. And I'm certainly not going back to Alaska," she said. "I'm either running in four years or I'm going to be a white Oprah." Ha ha ha.

Later in the show, Senator John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update with Seth Myers, adding a few more jokes about the campaign to his last appearance before the election. At Meyers's urging, he listed several new strategies he might use to win the election:

1. "The Reverse Maverick," where he does whatever anyone tells him.

2. "The Double Maverick," where he goes "totally berserk and freaks everyone out, even the regular mavericks."

3. "The Sad Grandpa," where he says on TV, "C'mon, Obama's gonna have
plenty of chances to be president. It's my turn."

4. "The Charleston," where he only campaigns in Charleston, S.C., "totally locking it down."

5. "The Forest Gump," where he jogs across the entire country and eventually everything just works out.

It was a good show for John McCain. He showed us his funny side by poking fun at himself and his campaign, way better than his futile attempts at being funny during his Letterman appearance - a credit to SNL's brilliant writers. Tina Fey was, as usual, hilarious. The 'Palin 2012 T-shirt' was a riot! Trailing in the polls, the Republican senator from Arizona demonstrated a good sense of humor three days before the election, something that his camp hopes will help his bid.

John McCain on 'Saturdau Night Live' (SNL) (11/01 video)
with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin (as usual)

John McCain on 'Saturday Night Live' transcript (SNL 11/01/08)

JOHN MCCAIN: "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain.

TINA FEY AS PALIN: "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

MCCAIN: "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however, can only afford QVC."

TINA FEY: "These campaigns sure are expensive. (She strokes the rich fabric of her jacket's lapel)

MCCAIN: "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final remarks on our campaign."

TINA FEY: "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna try and sell you some stuff."

MCCAIN: "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

TINA FEY: "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe' action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.

(SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: "I take the Amtrak to work every day. Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe Biden..."

MCCAIN: "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

TINA FEY: "Or keep deer out of your yard."

MCCAIN: "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message. We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership will make a difference.

TINA FEY: "Also too - sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

MCCAIN: "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine Gold. (Cindy McCain displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model.)

MCCAIN: "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."

TINA FEY: "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN: "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore, with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

TINA FEY: "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin' rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha' these 'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

MCCAIN: "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

TINA FEY: "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

MCCAIN: "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality, value and convenience."

TINA FEY: "And great deals on juicers."

MCCAIN: "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a reminder all undergarments are non-refundable, and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!

John McCain on 'Saturday Night Live' (SNL 11/01/2008)
Final Campaign Strategies on 'Weekend Update' w/ Seth Myers

SETH MEYERS: "With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign strategy, Senator John McCain."

JOHN MCCAIN: "Thank you Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three days. And while I am confident that we will emerge victorious, I'm also considering a few radical last-minute strategies."

MEYERS: "New strategies, like what?

MCCAIN: "Well you know how people call me "the maverick"

MEYERS: "Yeah."

MCCAIN: "Well, I thought I'd try a strategy called the 'Reverse Maverick.' That's where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don't ask questions - I just go with the flow. If that doesn't work, I go to the 'Double Maverick.' That's where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out. Even the regular mavericks."

MEYERS: "That doesn't sound like the best strategy."

MCCAIN: "It isn't. And here's another bad one. It's called 'The Sad Grandpa.' That's where I get on TV and go, 'C'mon, Obama's gonna have plenty of chances to be President! It's my turn! Vote for me!'"

MEYERS: "Yeah, I don't know if I'd do that."

MCCAIN: "Ok, then here's a good one. It's called 'The Charleston.' That's where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. Really lock it down. Meet every single resident three or four times. Or how about 'The Forrest Gump.' That's where I just start jogging across America and eventually everything works out.

MEYERS: "That might work."

MCCAIN: "Or maybe 'The Rocky IV.' I live alone in the wilderness and pull a sled through the snow until I'm in peak physical condition."

MEYERS" "How would that help you win an election?"

MCCAIN: "It won't. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I'll be ready."

MEYERS: "Alright, well if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days, what would it be?"

MCCAIN: "Seth, my basic strategy is the one I've stuck with since I started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country."

MEYERS: "And if that doesn't work?"

MCCAIN: "Probably the 'Double Maverick.'"

MEYERS: "Senator John McCain everyone!"

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