why keeping your mouth shut in bed is important

My previous post, 'confessions of a travel agent: stupid questions', was quite a hit. In fact, it generated some decent traffic the past three days. This made me hungry for more, reason enough to pester my former colleague to send me more of the same so that I can share it here. After three days, around eight emails and countless text messages, she came up with the following (I wonder where she gets it?). Here are things that shouldn't be said during sex.

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

My, that's big! I used to have a bigger one ... before the operation.

You look younger than you feel

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

Try breathing through your nose

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I think you have it on backwards

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

Perhaps you're just out of practice

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

Now I know why she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

I have a confession to make ...

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

Did you come yet, dear?

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please

I think biting is romantic- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

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